As a love stylist, I take an inside out approach to: reprogram the way you see love, show you how to leave your unproductive baggage behind, help you unearth your authentic worth, teach you dating playground skills and more... all so that you can create a healthy, happy, sustainable happily ever after. Learn more
Doormat Danger
Giving is good. No, correction - giving is great. If feels awesome to do for others. However, in the beginning of a relationship, over-giving, over-doing can create a dynamic where you become a doormat - that girl who is willing to do anything for her guy, prematurely. If you flirt with doormat-dom, ask yourself why? …
Read more
Click to read the Answer
Q: I told a new guy I was dating (3 dates) that I had been sexually abused as a child. I never heard from him again. What gives? – Anonymous
Darling,
Thank you for sharing your experience with me (and allowing me to post your response for our community). I am so deeply sorry for the trauma you incurred as a child and no doubt have had to battle during your adult life. More important than my thoughts, I hope you have been able to get some professional help (if not – email me and I can give you some referrals). You deserve to be free of the shackles that sexual abuse offers, to be healed and to love again completely.
Now onto you actual question… As wonderful as it is that you were able to be open, to be vulnerable with your new guy, oftentimes, for most men, heavy information like that will scare them away. Men inherently want to be protectors and information of sexual trauma may make them feel like they may not be able to protect you – like they aren’t good enough for the job. It’s bullshit, I know that – you know that… but they don’t. The last thing a man wants to do is hurt a woman, especially a woman who has been so hurt before. Clearly this guy couldn’t handle it for whatever reason. Good to know that now I guess before you invest anymore of your heart.
My advice to you going forward though is to really think about the timing, as well as the motivation for sharing your sexual history. Intimate information like that (and other things too like how many zeroes you do or don’t have in the bank, for example) should be reserved for a relationship that is more solid than 3 dates in. It is absolutely important to share it once you have a trusting relationship, simply as information about your past (even though this does NOT define you!). Before you do though, you need to be as resolved as you can be with this piece of your past, otherwise you will be perceived as looking to be healed by your partner – a job that is too big to ask any lover to take on. Does that make sense?
You clearly have a very big love future and I am proud of you for not letting the poison of your past damper the sweetness of your future. Thanks for writing.
BIG love to you, doll!
SWAK,
Tristan
Homeruns in Dating
Lately I’ve been obsessing over relationship status changes on Facebook. The complexity that this public display brings about has been written about many times over – that’s not what has me intrigued. What has me intrigued is the way that friends respond to relationship status updates. My research (it should be …
Read post
