“I can’ t BELIEVE I did it again!” she exclaimed, late to our weekly Sunday brunch, hair a mess clearly wearing the clothes from last night, smudged eyeliner, evidently not having slept a wink, as she slammed down her purse (panties partially hanging out), spilling my now not so perfect hangover latte.
I excuse myself from the table…. Because I have had it. I’m throwing in the towel. I am officially boycotting all of my seemingly fabulous girlfriends who clearly don’t realize they are in control of their dating destinies and keep playing the victim to bad old habits. And then it dawns on me as I ask our cutie waiter for a replacement extra foamy latte that maybe they just suck at basic 7th grade algebra.
Let me rewind.
Greta (name changed to protect her innocently guilty ass) has been professing week after week that she doesn’t want to keep having one-night stands. That last nights was the last one. But low and behold 1 out of every 2 weekends, she bangs another no-last-name hottie. And I keep telling her, either be cool with it, or stop.
But this post isn’t a post to pick on her (sorry G – comes with the territory of being friends with me – you know the deal – fro yo on me later, pinky swear). No, this post is about teaching women the basics of dating algebra: If you want to see a different result, you have to change a variable in the equation. x * y = xy… always.
Ladies – find the variable, the ‘x’ if you will that isn’t working for you – the ‘x’ that is screwing up what comes after the = sign and modify it. For example, if you always end up getting wasted, hooking up with randoms, waking up in the middle of the night bumping into some guy whose name you do not know wishing you had some super strength Advil handy and you don’t like that feeling… drink less. Or if every time you go out what you wear looks like a stripper audition costume and you are frustrated that Ivy Leaguers aren’t chatting you up about the latest museum exhibit, but rather low-lifes are asking how much it costs to spend the night with you, you may consider covering it up a bit.
The point is… Greta is in control over her dating destiny… more than she thinks. She doesn’t have to keep losing earrings in cabs during freaky foreplay (not that I am waving my finger at that!) on the way home to Mr. whats-his-names house, if she doesn’t want to. She is not a victim of last week’s one night stand. She is only a victim of rep eated bad decision-making. She has control over every variable and therefore the end result.
Own the x, own the y and be proud of the xy outcome. It’s all rather predictable, just like math.
Off to go get a medium apology strawberry cheesecake swirl yogurt. G – pick you up in 20…!
Live and love largely,