So this all has me thinking, why is being “in a relationship” this giant homerun for women? What makes it a symbol of achievement worthy of congratulations? A box that when unchecked makes us need a pity party? And what if we started making other boxes the success metric? Might we feel uplifted more of the time?

I remember when I played softball as a kid. I wasn’t the knock-it-out-of-the-park hitter, so since there was little to no chance that I was going to get a homerun despite my thinking that was the only way I could be great, my dad set up smaller goals for me. Goals like just getting a hit, avoiding a strike out, learning to judge a walk vs. a hit ball, catching the ball when I was in the outfield, throwing it in to the right plate and so on. Instead of fixating on racking up homeruns, I began concentrating on developing other skills. And after a few seasons, I actually became a pretty good all around player.

Accordingly, try thinking of your dating skills as opportunities for victories; consider those moments homeruns, not just an end of the road relationship. Celebrate them! Celebrate when you flirt like a pro! Celebrate when you have the courage to call a new mandidate! Celebrate when you let go of a guy who you know isn’t worth your time! Celebrate a great 1^st date, 2^nd date! Celebrate handling rejection with a laugh, a new outfit, a great orgasm! By celebrating your micro achievements you’ll increase your playing stamina, try harder and ultimately improve your game.

Live and love largely,

Tristan

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So I stopped. I learned that for all the right I was doing, I had to do a lot of apologizing too. I learned that I can still value righteousness without always having to be right. I learned that there truly is no criteria by which two truths may be judged and others truth is just as valid as my truth. I learned that when I stopped needing to be right, I learned how often I was wrong and with that gained valuable new perspectives on life and love. But most of all, I learned that I’d rather have healthy relationships than be right all the time. As it is said, “it is lonely at the top.” I may have been right a lot, but I was sacrificing relationships. And nothing felt right about that. After all, isn’t being in a great relationship true winning? Absolutely.

The next time you find yourself foaming at the mouth over something your partner has said or done that you know just isn’t right, try the following steps:

1) TAKE 10… seconds that it is. Literally count them in your mind, slowly. Say nothing during this time and try your best to maintain a poker face. This 10 seconds will lower your fight or flight response so that you can balance emotions and logic.

2) Once in a calm state, weigh your options. Quickly assess what fighting to the death, compromising or giving in will each get you. Remember -being right often leads to feeling like crap later.

3) Consider the other’s truth. Abandon your truth for a moment and just consider that the other person may have be right – or perhaps maybe you are both right. How bad would that be? What consequences would you pay for agreeing with them, or sharing the “win”?

4) Measure your ego. Ask yourself what your motivation is in being right? How far will you go and why? Chances are it is more to do with stroking your ego than it is about convincing the other person your perspective would benefit them.

5) Communicate your opinion open-mindedly. No matter where you land – even if you have decided to fight this to the death, do so with grace. Make sure you acknowledge that the other person’s perspectives (no matter how crazy in your opinion) is valid. After all, you wouldn’t be in a relationship with him/her if they weren’t.

6) Set a mental time limit for how long is a reasonable amount of time to converse on the topic. If you have chosen the arguing path, decide ahead of time that after say, 2 minutes, you can end in an ‘agree-to-disagree’ position. Your relationship will thank you!

Here’s to prioritizing relationships over being right!

Live and love largely,
Tristan 

1. You already have love in your life! Reprogram the way you think about V-Day. Remember it is a celebration of L-O-V-E. Not just couple love but all kinds of love. Concentrate on how lucky in love you already are and take a moment to appreciate the people you love and that love you right now.
2. Believing in love makes u more lovable. No man wants to be with a woman who doesn’t have her heart open to the idea of falling in love. If you turn your back on love, love will turn its back on you. Similarly if you greet love with open arms, it will come to you freely and openly.
3. It is literally good for you to have love in your life. Having love in our lives increases the levels of dopamine in our brains, which causes positive effects in all areas of our lives.
4. The alternative sucks. Are you seriously going to sit in your house on Cupid’s Day with a face mask in your jammies eating a gallon of ice cream moping to yourself about how unlucky you are in love, or worse yet commiserate with the lonely at an Anti-Valentine’s Day party? It takes a lot more energy to be miserable than it does to be optimistic.
5. If you aren’t a believer, you are a big buzzkill to those around you. Bitching about how much you hate V-Day, how commercial it is, how anyone who celebrates it should be shot, emits bad energy into the universe. Be afraid because Cupid IS watching. He’s got a bag full of arrows ready to shoot… and do you really think he is going to waste an arrow on a grinch like you? I think not.
6. If you give up on love, you decrease your chances of finding it. Life is short and hanging up a closed for business sign, even for a day, minimizes your chances of finding someone worth cashing in on.
7. Deep down inside you know you already do believe. Come on, admit, you can think of at least one couple that is head over heels in love… one couple that you admire for their undying devotion… one couple that you think, ‘that is worth holding out for’… proof that you are already at your core, a believer.

So instead of looking at the 14^th as doomsday, put on your hottest red thong, go treat yourself to a box of chocolate and get inspired by Valentine’s Day! Absorb the love that is all around and just think, soon you could be one half of a couple dancing to Cupid’s cheesy beat.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love & light,
Tristan

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There I said it.

And it isn’t just THE day that blows, it is all the days leading up to it. It is going to your local Target only to be bombarded with Valentine Day specials. It is the questioning of friends about what you will do on that night to avoid being a lonely heart. It is the Kay Jewelers commercial that seems to be on loop during the month of February. It is all just about enough to make you loath the day that is designed to love. Oh the irony.

I’ve been there. Single as can be on Cupid’s Day. I’ve played it miserably, desperate and in denial. And none of it works. The fact of the matter is Valentine’s Day is a big, loud, flashing red in-your-face siren reminding you that you are NOT in love. And what makes it worse is are people who try to make you think otherwise.

So, instead of trying to get you all hot and bothered over being single on couple’s day, I’m going to just help you get hot and bothered which sure beats drowning your single girl blues in a box of cheap chocolate. Here goes… 4 ways to get some hot action on Valentine’s Day, single girl style:

1. Treat yourself to a new sex toy! Every girl deserves a Valentine gift to express her self-love, so why not invest in your self-satisfaction too?! Pay a visit to your local sex toy shop and stock up on the latest and greatest vibrators, prop pillows, lubes and slutty lingerie. No man required!

2. Indulge in a modern girl meets boy meets boy fantasy flick. Rent one of my fave Valentine’s movies, “This Means War” starring hottie duo Chris Pine and Tom Hardy (yum!) who battle each other out to win the affections of America’s favorite darling, Reese Witherspoon. This rom-com spiked with some ass kicking is sure to meld action and love in just the perfect way. Don’t forget the popcorn!

3. Curl up with a hot guy… from a trashy romance novel. I grew up with a mom who loved her Jackie Collins and Danielle Steele. I on the other hand thought those books were ridiculous and opted for more intellectual reads. Until I read one last year. I’ll admit it, I loved every last hot page of it. Not only was it a steamy page turner, but it WAS intellectual… teaching me all kinds of seduction tricks I’d never considered

4. Unleash your inner stripper! I remember my first pole dancing class. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. I feared getting stuck on the pole or worse yet, not being able to get on it at all. I worried that my Jewish white girl genes would emerge in full force and sexy would appear crippled. But only a few minutes in, I was relaxed and feeling sexy! Candlelight and the perfect playlist filled the room and next thing I knew I was hanging upside down from a pole with total confidence!

There you have it – 4 fun ways to heat up your party of 1 Valentine’s Day. No sulky tears here, just hot, steamy action! ENJOY, Valentine!

Love & light,
Tristan